i look forward to...

OUR U.S. TRIP!!!

children

a

she is growing to be a beautiful and intelligent girl.  she is mature and insightful for a four year old and i am mighty proud of her.

l

he is clingy.  still babyish at times.  he has began to developed his quirks and i dont know if its something we shall be happy or worried about.  just wish he will eat more...

one word to describe him- lovely

what did we do right

getting on the plane with my baby in the nick of time.

regrets

i wish i wrote for the school paper in university

i wish i didnt diss the girl next door

i wish i talked to the guy i had a crush on

i wish i stood up to the landlord

i wish i cherished him more

photographs

i just started using my husband's andriod phone and found the photographs of our family he has kept and dutifully filed over the years.

i found the ones of us dating amusing... the ones of our first child filled with joy... the ones of our son entertaining at first.  until the chronology of the events go backwards and i found myself staring at his wound and stomas.  then to the day when he was born. he looked so healthy and very normal. handsome even.  argh.  these pictures sucked me right back into the realm of negativity and my mind automatically switched to its quiry mode and tried to trace back to what went wrong.

as usual, we always stopped at the usual suspect, me.  out loud, i often analysed and told friends that its due to my incompetent gynea's negligence.  but when i am alone, i cant stop thinking it was me.

did it strengthen me and make me a better person?

or did it break me? cause i never feel or look the same again after that.

Fever!

According to the Internet, I am what some described as having "fever phobia". I freak out every time my kid has a fever. Especially if unaccompanied with symptoms. Have u been me? Do u leave in a small town with limited medical facilities? I do. Just get well ok, A!

I am back

What guilt? I reread some of my previous entries in my blog and laughed. It had been awhile. But yes, I still remember the incidents I described. Some of them are still sad to read. They evoke the same feelings as I felt then. Let me see, what has guilt progressed into today? Thanks to time, guilt towards L has lesson to almost nothing now. But talking about what happened almost make my eyes teary. All because I almost lost him. He has grown to be a sweet and cheerful boy. It always break my heart when he said "bye bye Mama" with a resigned tone. He never fails to kiss me goodnight before he sleeps every night. I love little girls but I only love this little boy. He totally stole my heart. I will willingly stay at home to take care of hi single-handedly if not because i have a special request to help out Dad. Even then, I am half hearted n work minimal hours to get by. Who can blame me? They are my life.